February 8, 2013
The Bathroom Bomber
Back in the later 90’s, my My nephew Sean and his mom (my sister) lived with my father and myself. Sean never could take bad smells, however faint. Even though we only had one bathroom, he would always wait about 15 minutes after one of us had used it to go in.
Now, not to be gross, but back then when I was in my 20’s, I ate really bad food (as did Sean), such as McDonald’s, Taco Bell, White Castle, etc. Many times after coming home from a long day at work, not knowing that I had just used the bathroom, Sean would walk in and run out absolutely disgusted, and not return until the coast was clear.
Well, back then Sean was broke – very broke. He was very easily bribed – and for very cheap! So, I got this idea to offer him a few dollars (probably $3 if I remember right) if he would stay in the bathroom for a full minute after I just used it.
Well, I waited for the perfect day. I came home from work with my stomach hurting, and went into the bathroom. I must have been in there 20 minutes or more. Well, after I was done, I quickly shut the door and went into the kitchen and offered Sean the deal. I told him I would count to 60 from outside the door, and when I finished, he could come out. If he did not wait until I finished counting, I would get my money back. He quickly accepted when I waved the cash in his face.
He held his nose and went into the bathroom, and I shut the door and started counting from the other side. By the time I got to just 10, he was making vomiting noises and was screaming “Wow, oh my God!” I could not stop laughing! When I was up to 50, he was coughing and telling me to hurry. Well, that’s when I started counting slower. 60 came and he bolted for the door. Except I was holding it from the other side and wouldn’t let him out! Finally, after another 10 seconds or so I released the door handle and he ran out,
doubled over. He said it was the worst smelling experience he ever had, and how he should have gotten more cash. To this day, it may still have been the best $3 I have ever spent!
The Hot Pepper
Another bribery came when I was working at Perkins in the early 2000’s. Now, I loved very hot (as in spicy hot) foods. One of the cooks was born in Mexico and told me about a pepper he ate called a habanero. I told him if he could handle it, so could I. I bought a few the next time I was in ShopRite, and brought them into work. Well, I was only able to handle tiny pieces, and not by itself. I mixed a piece the size of a corn kernel with my quesadillas. This was just too hot for me still.
Well, later that night Sean came by my job with a few of his friends. First let me tell you that Sean hated anything remotely hot. He once whined to my mom that she put too much black pepper in his scrambled eggs! So, seeing him come in that day gave me an idea. I offered him $5 this time, and told him all he has to do is chew it in his mouth for just 10 seconds, and didn’t even have to swallow. He looked at me surprised. He said “All I have to do is chew it for 10 seconds and spit it out, and you’ll give me $5?” Yup. He laughed and said no problem, probably thinking to himself that he was going to make a very easy $5.
So, I went inside and got the bag of peppers, and brought a fresh one to his table. He said he was ready, and I just told him to put it in and start chewing. I started counting and he put the pepper in his mouth. For the first two seconds, he acted like a tough guy. He had a cocky smile while he was chewing it, while his friends and myself were watching. Well, by the time I had counted to three, that smile turned into a look of complete and total shock. I have never seen a person’s eyes get so wide open as I did that day. He was banging on the table by the time I got to five, and could not stop moving as I approached ten. At this point, the whole restaurant was looking, wondering why the table and myself were laughing so hysterically.
When I finished counting, he spit it out right on the table and made sounds like he could not breath! He grabbed his Coke and finished it, then grabbed his friends drinks! He was in massive pain for well over 15 minutes, and for that entire time, everyone was laughing at his reactions (he was fanning his mouth)! When he finally was in the clear, he said he wouldn’t do it again for $100!