The shit list

[Zap!]

>THE GHOST SHIT
> The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but
> there's no shit in the bowl.
>
>THE CLEAN SHIT
> The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's
> no shit on the toilet paper.
>
>THE WET SHIT
> You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up
> putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't
> ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
>
>THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
> This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,
> and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
>
>THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
> Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit".
> You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
> practically have a stroke.
>
>THE CORN SHIT
> No explanation necessary.
>
>THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
> The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
> without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
>
>THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT
> The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
> It's most noticeable trait is the skid mark left on the bottom of the
> toilet bowl after you flush.
>
>THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT-
> The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out,
> all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
>
>THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
> Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your
> ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
>
>THE LIQUID SHIT
> That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
> splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
> chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
>
>THE CROWD PLEASER
> This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
> show it to someone before flushing.
>
>THE CRACK FLAPPER SHIT
> This shit seems to create its own weather system. Your butt cheeks
> feel like they're flapping in the wind when this shit comes out.
>
>THE MOOD ENHANCER
> This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
> allowing you to be your old self again.
>
>THE "ON THE CLOCK" SHIT
> This is any shit that you take while you are punched in at work.
> Lunch hour and coffee break shits do not qualify.
>
>THE "BEST NICKEL I EVER SPENT" SHIT
> This is any shit that you take in a "pay" bathroom. Thankfully,
> there aren't too many of these left. If you're ever in a
> Mexican border town, be sure to try one!
>
>THE RITUAL
> This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with
> the aid of a newspaper.
>
>THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
> A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
>
>THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
> This shit has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
> within the next 7 hours is affected.
>
>THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
> This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
>
>THE GROANER
> A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
>
>THE FLOATER
> Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to
> resurface after many flushings.
>
>THE RANGER
> A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in
> a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
> push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
>
>THE PHANTOM SHIT
> This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
> putting it there.
>
>THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
> Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with
> you. Requires patience and muscle control.
>
>THE BOMBSHELL
> A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
> inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
> are nowhere near shitting facilities.
>
>THE SNAKE CHARMER
> A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
> position - usually harmless.
>
>THE OLYMPIC SHIT
> This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive
> event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the
> Drinker's Shit.
>
>THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
> This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the
> woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
>
>THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
> An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from
> God when you actually CAN'T shit.
>
>PREMEDITATED SHIT
> Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
>
>SHITZOPHERENIA
> Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
>
>ENERGIZER Vs DURACELL SHIT
> Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
>
>THE ROCKET SHIT
> The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when
> you're done.
>
>THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
> This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all
> over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log
> Shit.)
>
>THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
> The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to
> be coming out sideways.
>
>THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
> Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size
> of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in
> the rectum for some time afterwards.
>
>THE PORRIDGE SHIT
> The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You
> have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to
> your butt while you sit there helpless.
>
>THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
> When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your
> rectum on the way out in the morning.
>
>THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
> When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and
> make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
>
>THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
> Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn
> any one of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently
> near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for
> air.
>
>THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
> Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop
> off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.